By way of an explanation... I was bored one day, and posted a message to a folder on a bulletin board system running at University College London called UCL Bullet. The message obviously generated some interest because it was followed up by various people, and slowly developed into something resembling a story. Most of it is inconsistent and incoherent, but bits of it are quite good and it's interesting to see some of the people who are still around 8 or 9 years after this thing was created. From a MIST point of view (there are references to MIST elsewhere, but for the unaware, it was a Multi User Dungeon running at Essex University) this is quite an interesting text. At the time I was running MIST but only as a Wizard, and this shows. A lot of the earlier references are to Essex MUD, and there's a passing reference to another of the Essex systems (that sadly was lost in 1987) called UNI. There used to be a couple of other versions of this, but this is my edit of it, which actually adds a few things back that were removed (mainly about milk cartons, but then I was 19 years old and obsessive). Michael Lawrie (Ok then, Lorry) - January 1996. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lorry Blytons Famous Five F I V E G E T L O S T I N T H E M I S T By Lorry Blyton Bullet II press..... --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Message 25 from lorry on SUN 01 NOV 1987 09:22:58. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: The milk carton Friends... A milk carton is possibly on of the best friends anyone could ever want... It doesn't nag, you can talk to it and, its fairly easy to carry around... It also has a number of other useS such as sticking the marbles, peices of string and various little gooey bits from your pocket that you don't want to throw away into. But, enough of that. Julian, Anne and Dick wandered off to find George. "George", shouted Anne at the top of her voice, "Oh, you are a pain" The children heard a shout in the distance... "Hey, come and see what I have found". It was George. "Woof!" went Timmy, overjoyed to hear his mistresses voice, "Woof, Woof!" When the three found George, she was sitting on a porch roof of a large mansion... "Look", she said, "If Julian or Dick brings a sledgehammer, we will easily be able to break this door down and see if there are any burgulars in here". "What a wizard idea", said Dick, "We'll send Timmy to the local hardware shop with a note round his neck and a shiny sixpence in his mouth". Anne laid a rug on the ground, "We may as well have lunch then", she said, "I got Aunt Fanny to prepare us some earlier, she is a brick isnt she?". The rest of the children all agreed and sat down to eat their lunches... "Oh", said Anne, "I do always think that food tastes so much nicer when eaten out of doors"... The other children groaned; "You always say that Anne", said Julian. "Yes, I know", said Anne, "but it is true you know". After the children had had their lunch and had a swim in the lake, Timmy arrived back with the Sledgehammer and a penny change. He gave a note to George from the owner of the shop, it bore the words "Have a nice day!". "Well five, lets get to work on this door", said Julian in his deep manly voice, "come along, the owners may be back soon". Julian hammered at the door for a few minutes and, finally had a hole big enough for Timmy to go through, Timmy crawled through the hole and unlatched one of the ground floor windows.. "Come on Famous Five, lets go in and have a look around", said Dick. "Ooh", whispered Anne, "I have this feeling that an adventure is about to begin again". "I do hope so", said George; the others all agreed. ----* Lorry Blyton. Message 26 from the man with no name on SUN 01 NOV 1987 09:37:40. ----------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: the story continues As Timmy crawled through the hole in the door, before he unlatched it, he noticed something strange in the corner. So as the five walked throught the open shattered remains of the door he barked and pointed his at the thing with his nose. "Oh Spiffo" cried the children as they laid eyes on it, "its a milk carton". "Just what mummy's always wanted" squealed Anne, and russhed over to pick the carton up. As her tiny grabbing mitts closed around the carton however..... Message 27 from lorry on SUN 01 NOV 1987 10:31:23. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: Continued... As her tiny grabbing mitts closed round the carton however, George let out a cry of disbelief, standing behind her was a large wardrobe with snow coming out a crack in the door. The children slowly opened the door and had a peek inside - It was full of coats but, they could just make out a thin hole in the back. Julian bought the sledgehammer in and made short work of it... The children silently looked onto the misty landscape that greeted their eyes. "Shall we go in ?", asked Dick, his voice full of awe, "It could be dangerous". "Aunt Fanny packed us enough ginger beer and sandwitches", pointed out Anne "and look, its snowing and I do so want to make a snowman!". Spurred on by Anne's enthusiasm, the children walked through the panel and looked around. Dick found a long stick of wood and carried it along just in case they needed it. "This is exciting isnt it", said Julian, "we had better stick together in case anyof us gets lost though, maybe we should make a map too". The rest of the children agreed, Julian was the oldest and cleverest of them so, he was picked as leader, George complained for a while but cheered up when Julian said that she could be 'chief scout' It started to rain, "Ooh, yucky!", exclaimed Anne, "lets go back and get some of those coatd from the wardrobe before we go any further". As the children returned from the wardrobe to the land they heard a loud zapping noise in the distance and later, a shout. "What did that voice say ?", asked Dick; "It sounded like 'Oh, you are a cad Rick' to me" said George, but I may have imagined it. The children prepared to explore the lands, they packed up their rugs in their rucksacks and collected their tents. "Hurray", they sang (as the wardrobe silently shimmered and vanished without them noticing), "it looks like this is going to be another Adventure again!" ----* Lorry Blyton Message 29 from veryodd on MON 02 NOV 1987 16:02:33. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: novel Suddenly, from behind a disused farmhouse, which the children had not noticed in the mist, strode a squat figure with long hair, carrying axe rapier parasol key brand brand brand. "Those frightful wizards are jolly well mucking about with the weather again!", he shouted heartily. "I hope it doesn't crash tonight". "Somebody help me out of this rabbit warren, there's a good chap", came a plee from the distance. Dick spotted a large tree in the distance, and rushed over, to pull on one of the branches three times. Then an amazing thing happened! A very large fire breathing dragon had appeared with a crash of thunder, right next to the famous five. The dragon was carrying lashings of ginger beer. "Oh dear!", exclaimed the man with the rapier. "Golly, a dragon!", wheezed Julian in his man-like voice. "Woof",said Timmy, who seemed to have picked up a large sledgehammer. ...What happens next? Tune into next weeks exciting episode! Veryodd the odd. Message 30 from Daemonic on MON 02 NOV 1987 22:11:58. ----------------------------------------------------- Subject: novel "eek!" screamed Anne, achieving a very impressive volume. "Don't worry Anne", said Dick, "I'm sure this grown up will help us". "Certainly Kids", said the man with the rapier, and promptly fell asleep. All of a sudden came a voice in the distance saying "where's the dragon?", and the five responded "here!" because they were all very good and helpful children. The dragon drank the ginger beer, and vanished in a puff of steam. Timmy spotted a rabbit, and vanished off in pursuit. "NO TIMMY" screamed George, and dashed off too, after thoughtfully relieving the man with the rapier of his obviously heavy axe. "ooh" said Anne, why is it that we always seem to find adventures?" The afternoon passed peacefully, and Timmy failed to catch any rabbits at all. As the evening approached, the five came across a misty graveyard. "ooh look" said Anne, "What a SUPER place for a picnic, and i still haven't built my snowman". Timmy agreed,and whoofed wholeheartedly. "golly" said Dick between two very large mouthfuls of slightly battered sandwich. "This would be just the sort of place to find buried treasure!". "Woof" said Timmy intellectually. Just then, a strange looking female in a teeny weeny bikini, carrying longsword rabbit rattle coracle spade cat, entered the graveyard and began to dig. "quick - hide" hissed Julian,a note of pubescent frustration creeping into his voice. "And be quiet", added Dick "Quiet as mice", said Anne. This episode was brought to you by Thomas D.Hardy Message 33 from ----* Anarchy on TUE 03 NOV 1987 15:26:52. ---------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Ctd... The strange female scraped carefully around a grave for a few minutes before leaving in the direction of a ruined church on the skyline. "Oh spiffo!" cried dick, "A ruined church, maybe we should camp there tonight, famous five". "It looks very scary" Anne squeaked quietly. "Woof!" observed timothy, depositing a large gold crown at the feet of Georg "Where did you find that" asked george curiously, "WOOF!" said timmy eagerly watching his mistress, "It looks valuable" said dick in an awed voice "maybe we should find a police station and hand it in". "Lets pack our things up and find the police station then" suggested dick, "Yes" said Anne, picking up the ginger beer bottles. "If I was you I would throw that in the cess pit" observed a small man who had just popped out of a bush carrying brand brand, "In fact I could look after it for you if you wanted" he smiled kindly. "We were going to hand it in to the police" Julian informed him, "Do you know where the police station is ?" "Certainly" he said pointing in the direction of a rather thick looking wood "I can show you the way if you want" he offered. "No thank you, its alright" said Dick, "we willfind our way there" "Goodbye" said george. The children left for the wood, with the man following, "Im gooing this way too ..." he explained. "The woods look very scary" whispered Anne nervously. >From deep within the woods came the sound of a hunting horn. "Are you sure it is safe" whsipered Anne even more nervously "Of course" said Julian trying to believe himself Dick turned to the small man, but he had vanished leaving only two brands on the ground. Quite suddenely the silence of the wood was broken by the wail of a chainsaw. "There must be a woodcutter around here" observed George "He might know wher the police station is" The children were by now completely lost, following a seemingly endless forest road. A voice in the distance shouted "Careful with that chainsaw Bugiit". "Are you sure the woodcutter is safe" asked Anne nervously "Of course" said Julian "He is a grown up after all" "I expect someone was a bit close when he cut a tree down" said dick Timothy suddenely bounded into a bush, to appear on the other side chasing a wooden casket on legs, "WOOF!!" barked timmy joyously as he bounded off into the trees. Ok so our hereoes are lost, without timmy.... what will happen next Message 35 from Moog on TUE 03 NOV 1987 16:38:13. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: continuation "WOOF!!" barked timmy joyously as he bounded off into the trees. "Quickly!!", shouted George, "Thats my bloody dog and if I dont get him home tonite (American publishers) then Unclew will spank me". A shrill bark drained the five of their jollity as the sound of a chainsaw cutting through dogbone was heard. "Ah shit" shouted Dick, and as if in reply a voice said "WE DONT NEED THAT TYPE OF LANGUAGE IN HERE", at this Dick was summoned to beneath the cesspit where his story ends for now. Anne, Julian and George stared in amazement as a cow came into view. "REVENGE" cried Julian and attacked the cow with his bare hands and not much success. As the gorged remains of Julian departed from the MIST, so the two remaining girls (Well ones a sort of boy...) huddled closely together. As if to rub salt into the wounds they were then summoned to a dark basement with a lit braid on the floor to illuminate their situation. A vast barrel stood before them with an entrance. "Goodie ", said George, "Booze up", forgetting her dead friends and their immediate peril. As George stepped into the barrel her last words were "Piss beer..." as she departed from sight and from MIST leaving poor Anne very alone. At this, ===>Moog the Wizard appeared from nowhere and a smile appeared on Annes face. "Well you took your time" said Anne "I thought you were never going to get Julian tonite" "Easy he was - it was Timmy that was the problem!", said ====>Moog. As Anne slipped her blouse off those immortal words 'RESET IN THIRTY SECONDS were heard. Annes surgical support fell to the ground. 'TWENTY SECONDS' Down went the skirt and remaining undies.. 'TEN SECONDS' And suddenly she was naked before the Wizard, who stepped towards her and holding her close he slipped his hand into her.............. RESET COMPLETED login. Message 36 from Moog on TUE 03 NOV 1987 16:47:23. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: THE FIVE log back in... THE FAMOUS FIVE LOG BACK IN --------------------------- As the five appeared on the road they noticed that Anne was now a Swordsmaster...this they found a little strange, but didnt question as a rapier was given to her from nowhere which she wielded with much dexterity The Five set off at a smacking pace towards the castle, only to find that the Portcullis was down. Someone offered to help Anne, who then lifted it with ease. Trudging through into the courtyard they were confronted with locked doors. "Damn!", said Julian, "back we go, to the Farmhouse, we might even get some ginger beer there!" "Oh yes please, "said George, "Lashings of it", revealing her secret fetish for bottles! Message 37 from Mandos on WED 04 NOV 1987 16:12:10. --------------------------------------------------- Subject: Novel Upon reaching the farmhouse, the five noticed that they were now six! "Golly", said Julian. "Gosh", said Anne. "Woof" said Timmy enthusiastically. "Quiet" said everyone. The new member of the party turned to the five with a grin on her face and said: "usr/alderan/Princess at your service! I'm actually in the wrong part of the computer, but noone seems to have noticed yet!" "Golly", said Julian. "Gosh", said Anne. "Woof" said Timmy enthusiastically. "Oh for gods sake, I'm off!" exclaimed usr/alderan/Princess vanishing in a puff of symbolic logic. However, when the puff had returned to it's closet in the country, the children noticed a certain something that wasn't quite right. Could it be the lack of a farmhouse? Or could it be the five- headed dungeon master laughing at them? "Here we go again!" said the five..... Concept by Lorry. Design by Mandos. Authorage Mandos. Message 39 from The Day-Glo Pirate on THU 05 NOV 1987 09:55:42. --------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Famous five - the agony continues ... Suddenly, they noticed that Anne had dropped behind. "Anne, what's the matter?" cried George, the ginger beer bottles clinking in her rucksack. "I'm unhappy!" said Anne, tears streaming down her face. "All we ever seem to have is sodding adventures." "Anne!" exclaimed Dick, horror-struck. "How can you say such a thing?" "It's true. I can't even sit down to watch 'Neighbours' without some bloody masked man falling through the roof. And every sodding field we try to picnic in turns out to be full of buried treasure. And all this ginger beer gives me spots. How can I get a boyfriend when I'm enormously overweight, covered with spots, and permanently getting mixed up in some smugglers' ring, or plot to overthrow the queen?" exclaimed Anne tearfully. "Now, it's no good crying, old girl." said Julian in his best male chauvinist voice. "After all, you're a plucky old thing. You're almost a boy, and boys don't cry." he continued patronisingly, in his best stiff upper lipped tone. "Oh, go walk east until your hat floats" said Anne. "No wonder you're such a mess if you haven't spotted a few simple differences yet. And this adventure's the worst of the lot. I can handle masked pirates (Not you, Day-Glo. Ed) but rapier-toting women in catsuits, lust-maddened MUD wizards and symbolic refugees from running jokes that were old when IPL-IV was first written are more than I can stand. And we haven't even got a proper dog - no pedigree at all, the thing's more of a bloody mongrel than UNIX V. Added to which, whoever put it back together after that chainsawing gave it more than a passing resemblance to Frankenstein's monster." Now Dick too had fallen silent. George shook him. "Come on, Dick. Isn't Anne talking drivel?" she cried boldly. "We love adventures. We're the Famous Five, aren't we! Hurrah for the Famous Five!" But the answering cheer was weak and dispirited. "It's no good, George." said Dick miserably. "The thrill is gone. How can I enjoy finding buried treasure when I'm worried about the mind-body problem? Pirates and helicopters? I can't even prove they exist, unless someone can tell me how to overcome Heisenberg's uncertainty principle. The world's just a bit more complicated than it used to be." "Oh, hogwash." said George, preparing to smash the end off her ginger beer bottle and come after him like a Glasgow hardman if he didn't stop talking rot. But it was too late. "Dick's right, George." said Julian. "We're university students. We should be picking up girls at the Union, and playing rugger, and drinking pints of 80/, not this stupid ginger beer. I haven't got a bloody tooth left in my head. And I've got a business studies essay due for Monday. We're too old for this nonsense. I'm going back to the flat!" George was silent for a moment ... [But for how long? Would she use her bottle? Would she set Timmy on them all? Would Bai-Lin tea restore Anne's sex appeal? What was waiting in Julian's flat? Would he get his business studies essay done in time? Or would the Famous Five disintegrate into academia? Find out in the next fabulous episode] Message 41 from lorry on THU 05 NOV 1987 18:52:13. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: Famous five : the day after The next day the children awoke to a beautiful sunlit morning... "Ooh, my head!", said George, rubbing it hard The children all had terrible headaches and Timmy the poor dog looked ill too. "Maybe it was the Ginger beer", groaned Julian, "Or that sherbet that Anne gave us, the packet with the words 'naughty' on it". "I want to go to the bog", said Dick, "Do you realise, I have not been to the bog since we first met George; up at Kirrin" The plucky five ignored Dick's rantings and decided that a cool swim would do them the world of good. They walked out of the Avon Way flat that they were sleeping in and headed across the swamp and the A33 to the lake. The children had a long play in the water (for they swimmed like fishes), Dick, who was still a little upset about his bladder, amused himself with throwing a brand for Timmy to fetch. Timmy was a clever doggy but, even he got confused when the stick just disappeared into the lake. Suddenly, a thundorous "Vrooooommm" echoed through the land and they heard a shout of "Yo babes!" in the distance. "What was that?", shrieked Anne, cuddling close to Dick in her fright. "I don't know", replied Dick, gently comforting his sister by fondling her smooth, young breasts. "Where is George?", shouted Julian from the library steps, where he had sat down to read a Secret Seven book, "George!, George!", he shouted. Anne was getting terrible scared, Dick told her to cuddle up closer to him; "Ooh, I do hate adventures" she said (with difficulty, bacause Dick had his tongue in her mouth to stop her teeth from chattering). There was a noise in the rushes and George appeared carrying sword phaser coin brand brand crown. "Look what I found", said George, "I walked to the centre of the lake and this hand appeared and gave me this". Dick dropped Anne from his firm grasp; "Oh wizard!", he said, "Where is this body George, we will be able to let Uncle Quentin do scientific experiments on it". "Well", replied George, a little confused, "I went er, NE then S then W then SE... or was it E then NW - Oh dear, I can't remember". "Aw, I wanted to see the body!", shouted Dick. He promptly vanished. The children examined the spot where Dick had once stood, "I think this place is spooky", said julian, "Lets stay close by one another" Anne pointed to a spot below the lake, "It looks like there is someone down there". Dick returned, "I was just summoned somewhere", he said, "It was so much fun, there was this police box so I called the police, they said they couldn't make calls after 2am but, they would deal with all the treasure tomorrow. There was this guy there, he asked me if I had any VMS id's - I recon he must have been a train spotter or something. Anyway, he told me tha he was going to WIZ LOCK so, we would have to go to that misty place again - he told me that he was a grown up and that he wanted to get hold of a bad person called Moogy. I said we would help - Come on five - Adventuring we go" Dick the graduand, Anne the graduard, Julian the graduate and George the graduand prepared to leave; "Don't forget to lake the stuff u got", came a shout; they did and prepared to return to the misty land, this time with a task in life, to seek out and bring to justice that bounder Moog... Tune in, next time for FIVE RETURN TO MIST. Lorry Blyton, the dead. Message 42 from Moog on THU 05 NOV 1987 23:43:20. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: FIVE RETURN TO MIST (chapter one) Chapter One ----------- By: *****Moog "Well", said Julian, "here we go again, logging into mist at 5.00 in the morning, and you know what that means...yes all the treasure will be all over the place so well have to ask for a reset from a nice wizardy type" .MIST They appeared on the road to the castle, and were immediately approached by Moog carrying brand rapier scarecrow keys. "Hello Anne", said Moog, "I hear that that nasty person Lorry has written the last chapter so that you get me..well dont worry ill let you get me anytime darling Anne." "Steady on there", said Julian, "She is my sister you know, and what I want to know is why Anne is a swordmistress (changed sex since last chapter by me *****Moog), shes a delicate little girl..arent you old thing." "Pah," said Anne, "you've always treated me like a little girl! Well today that old cloak is gone...Anne the Swordmistress, presently to become Sorceress (*****Moog) steps out at last and leaves these poofy adventures behind me.....", and at this her cloak fell to the ground to reveal the new Anne..complete with rapier brand cat..and muscles galore! "Golly!", said George "Gosh!",said Dick (who by now wanted a bog like anything) "Ermmm....", said Julian (who was stuck for words for once) "Yes, from today I am known as Anne the Swordsmistress (soon to be Sorceress) and dont you forget it!" At this Dick just lay down and went to sleep, whilst Julian hid behind George (who was more of a man than Jules any day). "Oh God!", said George, "Where the fux timmy..." As if by magic timmy the warrior entered and calmly began to savage Dick. "Well!", said Moog, "a case for breaking open the giinger beer I think, as I am pleased to announc the forthcoming marriage of Anne and myself." "Hoorah!", said George timidly (keeping an eye on timmy at the same time) "Can I be best man..sorry - bridesmaid", she continued. The sound of something being magically destroyed in the distance could be heard. "Well" said Anne," somethings up...lets go find the action Moog, perhaps tis Lorry the lurcher (ed: hee heee) causing trouble." At this she and Moog left to the south. "Ahhh....", said Jules, "what is daddy and mummy going to say about this.. not to mention Enid..chapter one page three and already Annes gone off with Moog, Dick is dead, and timmy is a warrior..were in deep mud (sic)." "Well were going to have to do something about it..and pretty soonish", said George. And here we leave our heroes(????). What a dilemma..revive Dick (hee hee), follow Anne, or go home for a picnic basket? Only you can decide.. and what will happen when they find Lorry the mortal(Yo ho) Does anybody care????? This chapter brought zanily to you by* *****Moog -------------------------------------------------- Message 43 from JGxhb on FRI 06 NOV 1987 17:28:25. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: Five get boring Dick suddenly appeared at the misty track, with the rest of them. "I say chaps, sorry, and you girls, I'm getting to dislike this reincarnation business". He then laughed, heartily and a loud voice boomed around them quite loudly, "Dick the wizard is now in eek! wizard mode!" Timmy barked with amazement! George dropped her crown with lack of dexterity! Dick had transformed into a grotesquely muscled man with a look of experience about him. He disappeared in a blinding flash of lightning, only to return to the same spot five seconds later with a smouldering flamethrower. "Golly spiffing!", exclaimed George in her almost masculine voice, "You're almost as manly as Jules now!". "Ahem", squeaked Julian submissively. Suddenly they were all transported to a strange place in the clouds! "Limbo", voiced Dick, "Now I'm ready!" Lorry the wizard was standing next to them, grinning joyously, wielding a rather nasty looking part of a motorcyle. "Summon Anne the dead", laughed Lorry, with murder in his eyes. "Eek!", squeaked Veryodd the odd, who had come to watch. Continued in next week's enthralling episode... JGxhb the veryodd Message 45 from guest on TUE 10 NOV 1987 01:37:06. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Black hole appears. Timmy went bounding off, s,se and arrived at the cesspit. "woof" said timmy [being a dog], "woof woof woof" ----> Translation: "Jipes the cesspit has gone verry dark" <---- For some unspiffing wiz had turned the pit into a black hole, "woof woof woooooooooo..........." said timmy as he was pulled inside out, sounding v much like status quo. And soon all of mist land was inside the very unspiffing black hole, which lucky for them was spinning, so they survived, but Mist-land will not be the same again......(or will it, black holes have at least 2 sides).... {end of boring narative bit} Message 46 from Frog on TUE 10 NOV 1987 21:58:39. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: five reappear..... In a blinding flash of light the five reappeared. "Thats funny that didnt happen last time I pressed the button" stated Arthur. "Oh golly" cried Anne "can we do that again that was fun. Pity I dropped the ginger beer". Woof woof agreed Timmy (being a dog he would). "I say" said George "this looks a spiffing place for a picnic". Then noticing something strange he added "Anne...will you please tell your second head to stop smiling at me like that" "Holy Zarquon!!!! Who are these cats" cried Zaphod in disbelief "Excuse me, but Timmy is not a cat he is a dog...and we're the famous five" answered Julian, to the man with two heads sitting at the desk. "Hey er right" stuttered Zaphod, lost for words for once, "Hey er monkeyman look this up in your book will you???" "Thats Arthur!!, four-eyes" retorted a now fairly angry Arthur Arthur then reached into a pocket of his dressing gown and pulled out a rather dusty, dog-eared copy of "The Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Universe" (well...copyright infringement only goes so far!!!). After pressing a few buttons and hearing a few beeps, Arthur swept the dust off the book and removed the dog ears then pressed a few buttons again. Up on the screen flashed the following message....... ############################################################################ # WHAT TO DO IN THE EVENT OF ENCOUNTERING THE FAMOUS FIVE IN THE CONTROL # # ROOM OF A SPACESHIP, AFTER PRESSING A RED BUTTON.... # ############################################################################ # # # 1. DON'T PANIC # # 2. OFFER THEM LARGE QUANTITIES OF GINGER BEER # # 3. PRAY...or local galactic equivalent # # 4. PRESS RED BUTTON AGAIN # # # # IF ABOVE FAILS..USE PLAN 2....PANIC!!!!!!!! # # # ############################################################################ "I say", said Julian, "What is that large lump of metal siiting in the corner?". "Dont feel you have to take any notice of me", replied Marvin in his usual dull tone, "I mean I may only have a brain the size of a planet but Im still only a menial robot expecting to be told to pick up bits of paper. Life... dont talk to me about life!" "Wow" exclaimed Annes right head as her left slurped noisily on a large bottle of something that was almost, but not quite, entirely like ginger beer. "Blech!" said Annes left head and threw up in the corner. Just then Forn managed to reach the red button and press it. There was a blinding flash of light. "Hey wheres Marvin" asked Ford after his vision cleared, "and what happened to all those potted plants?" "Just out of interest", asked Arthur, "is that large mouth meant to be on the screen??". At that point the entire Heart Of Gold, minus Marvin, the famous five and quite a few potted plants, was, due to a vast difference in scale, swallowed by a Squencholon Dimension Rambler. "pardon me" apologised the dimension rambler. Meanwhile....in the far distant uncharted backwaters of the Unknown universe, the missing things from the Heart Of Gold all materialized above (only 2-3 feet above) a small planet. This planet was in the form of a disc, which rode on the backs of four elephants, who in turn walked on the shell of a giant turtle (sex unknown). "Ouch" cried Rincewind as four children (now all with one head each), a robot and several potted plants hit him in the small of the back. In the distance a sound like shaking dice could be heard...or was it just the wind..??? Anyone who knows about this can continue the story if they dare...!!! I think thats anough adventure for one episode! Message 50 from ----* Anarchy on WED 11 NOV 1987 11:55:58. ---------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Story Ctd "Hi" said Anarchy the wizard appearing in a crash of thunder and now wishing he hadnt typed follow Anne this time... "Grrr...." threatened a rather vicious looking bowl of petunias "Oooh how exciting" said a delighted twoflower "A real wizard at last" "Munch" said a rather large wooden box on legs, as the last of Timmys tail dissappeared through the lid. "Oh dear" said George, thinking of the fate of Timmy, although the phrase wa well chosen, considering the guy with scythe who had just appeared. "Have some ginger beer" offered Julian wondering where everyone had gone, and peering through the smoke of a dissappearing Anarchy in serch of them "Dont worry" said death, "I'll find them later" Suddenely deaths sycthe swept down..... Julian kicked death, "OOOFFF" said death clutching his groin, and promptly vanished In the distance a voice (rather high pitched) shouted "Which ***** did a res death:1" Anarchy the wizard appeared in a crash of thunder, and promptly got exorcised by an ethergate of death. "They've all gone off to the the pub" said a druid, as he shot over head on a large rock, "And the Stone circel has just crashed, we are cut off from the spirit world again" "Oh *****" shouted a prominent clairvoyant as the words TS Reset appeared in her crystal ball. Julain set off towards ankh-morpork, and the pub to find his friends What will he find, will timmy get digested, will death find the others..... ----*(A) Message 51 from Galahad on WED 11 NOV 1987 15:12:19. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: more Story (Dallas style) As the alarm clock went off, Anne woke up with a start. "Yaaaaaawwwwwwnnn," she said as she stretched her arms above her head. "Seems like it was all just a dream. Very strange. Must go and see my psychotherapist some time." "Hello Anne," said Dick, rushing into Anne's room, "First day of the hols, and time for lots of lovely adventures (and ginger beer)." "Ooh! Goody!" Anne exclaimed, and started to get up. (Ha! Little does Anne know, but she has not really woken up! There has simply been a temporary suspension of reality caused by a fault in the 'Heart of Gold' infinite improbability drive. She has no inkling of the fact that her bed is now actually inhabited by a Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal, masquerading as a mattress... More of this rubbish later...) Galahad (Sir) [Knight of the postbox] Message 52 from galois on WED 11 NOV 1987 18:23:22. --------------------------------------------------- Subject: more {dallas style, after the viewing} Getting out of her pink satteen sheets, anne pulled on her silk nightie and went to the shower. Sloowly pulling back the curtain she stepped inside, and dropping her nightie to the floor she turned on the water. taking the showerhead from the wall she let the invigourating water jet all over her naked {enough ED}. Then between her shins she felt something wagging, yes, a big hairy ... tail. "TIMMY" she cried, "woof, wooof, wooof, wof, wufff, wooof......." shouted Timmy For the public decided that Timmy must not die, no matter how improbable the story, so weve reincarnated him. Message 53 from ----* Anarchy on WED 11 NOV 1987 21:38:38. ---------------------------------------------------------- Subject: TS the reset "woof" shouted Timmy again *** TS reset *** TS reset Suddenely Anne found herself back at the inn in Ankh Morpork. "Its that stone circle" shouted a passing druid as he casually parked an 80 ton monolith, "the spirit world connect keeps going down" "Still always time for a pint" grinned the druid, dodging a table that someone had lobbed at him, as he strode in As the tables started to fly, Rincewind dissappeared out of the door "Urg?" said a rather toothless old barbarian, after careful thought as to the pronunciation and semantics, "Who you ?" "Burp" said a large wooden box, disgorging a rather cross looking Timmy. "Woof" said Timmy "Urg" said the barbarian waving an axe at Timmy, At this point things looked as if they could get dangerous, in fact they could "Grrrr" said a bowl of petunias strolling in through the door. The petunias burst into tears, kissed Timmy, and for no apparent reason sang its favourite fighting song and attacked the barbarian "Yipes" said Dick, "Shall we leave" "Might as well" said Julian trying to sound calm "Why this is fascinating, if only I had my camera handy" yelled twoflower "Woof" said Timmy depositing a box, from which a very irate demon was waving a paintbrush "Have you got ANY idea what its like to be carried around for ten minutes in the mouth of a dog" screamed the small demon "Have you got any idea" "In fact its so amazinly wonderful Ive drawn a large picture of its tonsils for you" he choked furiously, before dissappearing back into the box At this point the famous five decided to leave very rapidly, follwoed by a magician who had just made sarcastic comments about barbarians and their leatherwear, and all the things the lads do down the bar. The magicican in question was followed by a large axe, which totally ruined his haircut, and made him totally irrelevant to the future of the universe "Run" shouted Dick, pointing in the direction of a large figure with a scyth "Excuse me" said Death "Id like to pick a bone with you..." "Err pardon me, we are busy now" said Julian, vanishing rapidly into the distance with the rest of the five in hot pursuit "Mortals just dont play fiar these days" muttered death sadly Meanwhile the five had climbed onto an eighty ton monolith, they found casually parked outside. "Hi" said a voice from the other side "Not more hitch-hikers" "Im trying to move valuable equipment here" came the voice "Our stone circle has had another rim crash" "Ive already kicked off this two headed weirdo and his friends" despite the offer of a piece of talking metal that moaned mored than my wife" "Always off for a solstice" she moans "Have to get up at dawn for the sunrise can't stay in bed like normal mortals, no have to be up at all times playing with your bloody stones I dont know how I stand her" said the voice "You think youve got problems" observed a piece of passing scrap metal "Dont talk to me about life", "Go away or I'll land this thing on top of you" said the voice "Thats gratitude, I try to point out the magnitude of his problem" and he moans at me" muttered the scarap metal and stomped off "Oh well If you arent going to get off I guess you'll have to come with me" said the voice, as its owner, a slightly bruised druid appeared At this point the monolith took off, which was as well , as thirty seconds later is old position was hit by two tons of falling whalemeat, followed by a roadrunner, 2 cabbages, a small stone called eddie and Ada the compiler carrying bugs bugs bugs bugs "Urk:" said ada "Boing" said zebedee as he dropped in "Bye" said ada vanishing Meanwhile safely(?) afloat the five gazed down on the ensuing carnage, as a petunia, a small stone called eddie, 2 cabbages and zebedee prepared to hold off most of the barbarians of ank-morpork (But thats another story) So the famous five are now safely aboard a large rock, flying to an unknown destination with a nutty druid PS: I hate dallas Message 54 from Moog on THU 12 NOV 1987 23:55:47. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: The five approach normality once more (!!!) As you know friends, the famous five are aboard a large rock, at this moment flying towards what is at present an unknown destination... What will happen next I hear you say...this is the answer... As the rock, complete with nutty druid pilot, sped towards its unknown destination the five began to wonder what the hell had gone wrong with their lives that in just one day they would traverse the length and breadth of Multi User Fantasy Games and Fantasy Books as we know it. "This must be a Thursday," said Julian, "I never could quite get the hang of Thursdays." "Yellow!", stated George quite simply and precisely. "Yellow!!", she repeated, adding particular emphasis to the colour of her statement. "What!", chorused the four together, whilst Timmy merely sat in the corner and whimpered (even if you cant have a corner of a flying stone Im taking artistic licence..ed). Together the five turned round to look for the first time at their fast approaching destination. To their surprise they saw not a field of yellow flowers for them to safely land in (as Enid Blyton would insert at this point), but a large, nay very large, yellow space ship- dont ask me how the Five are survivng zero gravity and the vacuum of space as I only write the thing. "Holy cow!!" cried Julian, and he dived under the whimpering Timmy as fast as he could carry the ginger beer and supplies (You know how tough these adventures can get). There was no time to change course even if they had been able to, for the Druid had a wicked smile on his face (which closely resmbled that of one Lorry ) and a nasty looking thermo nuclear device in one hand. With a crunch (add sound effects at your leisure) and a tearing of metal the magic stone entered the side of the space ship and deposited the Five, less smiling Druid, in what looked very like the sleeping quarters of the Dentrassi. At this point the rock simply vanished in a puff of logic as it has no further part to play in this narative. "Well I must say," said Julian, who had crawled out from under Timmy with what looked like a fake dog turd on his head (well what actor would seriously allow the real thing eh..). "Its one way to travel!", he continued even though the last sentence had finished due to typing errors. Then, Anne and Dick, who had been quite up till now, stood up and surveyed the new environment in which they had been placed by some cruel twist of fgate..or Lorry (well I gotta get me own back). With a professional manner seen previously only on such shows as The Money Programme (Monty Python version of course), they took, from a large clear cylinder, a small red fish each and placed it in their ear, took a large towel from the towel dispenser, ignoring the Kill-O-Zap guns and headed for the only identifiable exit. At this a screeching noise issued forth from the PA system, quite unlike anything they had heard before on any gaming system or even Top of the Pops. "Perhaps it will help if we put one of those fishes in ourears", volunteered George. "Yes!" agreed Julian, "Just what I was about to suggest." "Woof woof bark!!", said Timmy (which to Anne and Dick sounded like "Youre so slow..havent you read the book even!") As Julian and George placed one of the fish in their ears the PA screech turned into a message from what they presumed must be the Vogon Captain of this Vogon Fleet, heading for another Multi User Game, but stopping off to disintergrate a few minor planets on the way. The message was thus: "Well crew, we are fast approaching our next port of call, and whatever it is there will be no participation, I repeat, absolutely all game participation is allowed - Ive just suffered from a severe case of love sickness and I dont see why you lot should go out and enjoy yourselves. I see from our equipment that we have picked up a few Hitch Hikers as we passed that last crazy druid and may I extend a hand of severe nonwelcoming and assure you that when you are caught you will be thrown off this ship..even the four unintelligent members of your party..or if you are lucky you may well get to hear some of my bragging about past experiences (!!) first. "Oh deary me", exclaimed Jules, "were really for the high jump now!" "This way chaps", said Timmy, "I know the lay out of these vogon cruisers like the back of my paw..and dont forget the ginger beer - you never have let me have some of that have you." As the Five hheaded towards the cabin hatchway they heard approaching foot(!)steps, and a hiss of air as the hatchway opened to reveal.... (What will the opening hatchway reveal..what is in store for our intrepid hero and his owners..do you know: if so you know more than me and should know not to attempt to write any more of this story.) *****Moog (c) Moog inc. Publishers 1987 ----------------------------- (Normality has been resumed, any problems you still have are therfore your own....thankyou) Message 56 from Daemonic on FRI 13 NOV 1987 01:46:21. ----------------------------------------------------- Subject: The five get even more confused Before their very eyes,a side door opened and in wobbled a disgusting obese green alien. "euch" said Anne "Urrgh" said Dick, vomiting noisily in the corner. "Vogons" said Timmy, his tail drooping, "Now we've really got problems" "Timmy", said George, "How do you know so much about all this?". "woof" said Timmy, wisely. "The prisoners will be silent!" shouted the horrible alien, and picked up George and Anne. "Now hold on a minute!" exclaimed Julian, deciding to put his foot down, "That's my sister!" at this moment two more of the beings entered, and he finished "So please be careful with her..." Brought before the Vogon captain, the five were locked up in five comfy poetry appreciation chairs, while the Vogon captain remenissed about the last group of Hitch-Hikers he caught on board. "I threw them overboard, and I watched their faces as they were explosively decompressed. "he said. "Well I hope you felt pleased with yourself", reproached Julian, trying hard, but failing miserably to sound manly and authoritative. "Yes, actually", said the captain, "in fact I enjoyed it so much, I'm going to do the same to you." "Yearggh" screamed Dick, showing once more how really immature he is. "RESISTANCE IS USELESS!!!" shouted a guard, very loudly indeed. "Hey!", said the other, "I say that!". "No", said the first, "You said it LAST time - it's my turn today - but I'll let you open the airlock" As the five flew through the airlock, Timmy spoke reassuringly - "Don't Panic...for sometime in the next thirty seconds, we are sure to be picked up by a new form of space ship,using an infinite improbability drive" "Well no.", came the author's voice, as if from nowhere... "You've already been there, and this is going to get boring if you go there again....." "OOh look!" said george, pointing at a glowing point of light, emmanating from Anne's backpack. "It looks just like a little starmap." said Julian, as it began to get bigger. Bigger indeed it got, and soon it seemed to strech to infinity.... "Our time is almost up.", said Timmy... "Woof" said George. The five appeared in a large forest, of large trees. "I think", Said a large oak nearby, "That the universe has just been recreated for your convenience." "What's this large book in my backpack?" asked Anne "And why is it chained up?" "I'll take that!" said an old man, wearing seven league boots, and stepped off into the distance with the book and a squeak of pain. "Somehow", muttered Timmy, "I think we've been here before too." At this moment a very cruel looking man with pure white hair, and a very large black runesword, appeared, accompanied by a small man with a black and white winged cat on his shoulder. The pale man raised his face to the sky, and prayed "Arioch! Deliver me from these fearsome five!" A large face appeared in the sky, and spoke.... "You are all on the wrong plane! There is enough chaos here, so go you back, to where the most damage can be done!" With this the five felt themselves drawn away..... They appeared in the middle of a field in darkest Surrey. "Now look Timmy, how can you speak!" George glared at her normally silent dog. "It's not my fault" said Timmy, "You've still got that Babel fish in your ear." "oh", said George, "you mean this?" and she threw it in a nearby pond (where it lodged in the ear of a passing duck - ed). "Woof" said Timmy. "Now!" said Julian, we're back in England, on the right plane, in the right place. So what can go wrong?" In the distance came faint sounds of chanting..... "Ia, Ia, Cthugua, Cthugua, come........" D.Thomas Hardy. Message 58 from Frog on FRI 13 NOV 1987 21:05:42. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: five in space (again) "hey" said julian excitedly "whats that shimmering over there" "what you mean where that man is standing?" asked anne "where did he come from" "Greetings....we come in peace" said the man in the red uniform "oh..um..hi" muttered George..showing his astounding vocabluary again "who are you?" asked Julian. "I am James T Kirk of the Starship Enterprise, come to save Earth again..who are you?...where are we? and what year is it?" "We're the famous five...you are standing in a field in Essex, England in the year 1932....oh and this is our friend Marvin" said Anne as Marvin fell from the tree he had materialised in. "Oh well...I suppose thats all the diodes down my right side gone now" complained Marvin. Then holding up a small mouse he added "At least he isnt inside me anymore" "Oh s**t " said Kirk, then into his communicator "Kirk to Enterprise... you got your f*****g maths wrong again Mr Spock" "oh" said Anne "does this mean we can go on another starship?" "Another starship???" queried Kirk "I think you had better come with me" "Oh goody" said Julian "more adventures...have you got any Ginger beer?" "Im sure we could find some" said Kirk...then again into his communicator "Kirk to enterprise...5, 1 dog, and one paranoid android to beam up" The five...plus friends...then vanished in a cloud of snowflakes (?) What happens next...? How many series/books/computer games are left to work in....? Why is Marvin still around...? What will Timmy think of Spock...? All the answers to these and loads more questions will not be found in the next installment...!!!!!!!! Message 59 from ----* Veryodd the Normal on FRI 13 NOV 1987 23:18:14. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: dum de dum de dum de dum Wrrrrrrrmmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeek! (transporter noise) Anne shouts "I say, we seem to have arrived!" "Jolly spiffing observation Anne", exclaimed George stupidly. "I think we're going to have an adventure". "RED ALERT. RED ALERT. Romulans on starboard bow.", came the butch male voice on the tannoy. "Sounds a bit like Julian", quipped Dick. Suddenly the whole ship seemed to be surrounded by an enveloping plasma R. "Oh dear!",said Captain Kirk... Timmy grabbed hold of Spock's leg and began to rub up and down in his panic! "Do you like films with Gladiators in?",Captain Kirk asked Julian, as his palms became sweaty... Eek! ----* Veryodd the completely normal witch Message 60 from White on SAT 14 NOV 1987 03:30:26. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: urg. At that moment a loud voice boomed.. "All this chronospatial disturbance is most stimulating, isn't it dear?" "Oh most definatley, Bishop". The bridge doors opened, and in walked the strange couple from whom these utterances emanated: a fat man in robes and a mitre carrying crozier and a woman dressed in clothes for the more discerning lingerie enthusiast carrying whip eggwhisk yoghurt marmalade rope rope rope. "Cpt. James T Kirk, I presume?", said the woman. "Yes....?", replied the Capt from his prone position under the dog "Oh good.", replied the Bishop who promptly ate him. "Wonderful job this, Miss Brunner" "Most stimulating.", replied the woman, who was looking at Anne in much the same way a dog looks at a tree, "I think our new friends should introduce themselves..." "Oh..", said Anne, "Gosh.. um.. I really think we ought to be going now" "Yes", said Julian in his deep, butch squeak, "George, you're the clever one, how do you use a transporter?" "Not so fast..", said Miss Brunner, her hands disappearing down the front of Anne's dress. Suddenly the door burst open revealing a tall thin man with black skin and white hair holding "I'm gonna bring you down with my" needlegun. "Oh, no Jerry, not again", said Miss Brunner. "Sorry dearie, but you know how it goes...", says Jerry Cornelius, and soots her between the breasts. "Hey Julian", said Anne, "why did the story just change tense, and how come the author can't spell 'shoots'" "Beats me", said Julian, opening a cupboard and finding an attractive American woman, "no idea at...hey! A girlie!! hello, girlie.. whats your name?" "Fallon", said the woman and promptly woke up in the shower, where her story ends (interesting blend of serials, there.. sort of Alpen and Rice Krispies) By now Jerry and the Bishop had disappeared back to Earth to check up on Leo V's cryogenics which were rapidly freezing up London. George, meanwhile, had figured out how to use the transporter and incapacitate the entire crew of the Enterprise with an intruiging striptease featuring his/her intruiging physique. "All aboard, chaps", it shouted, and all the boys and girls leapt joyously onto the transporter platform. "ENERGIZE!" "um.. havent you forgot to set a destina......ZUNGGGGGG" wwwwweeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrghhhhhh wop hhhhhheerrrrrrgggggggg thud "MATERIALISE!" The Five suddenly found themselves in a boring Australian city with cardboard walls and cardboard people, and a voice began to wail: "Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours.." "Oh bugger", said Julian, "no way are we going into THIS serial!" "ENERGIZE!" wwwwweeeeeelllllaaaaaahhhhhhhh!! (you had to be there) "MATERIALISE!" Meanwhile on a flat part of essex, a large metal object is saying "Oh bloody hell. Brain the size of a planet and the leave me on a 6000 mile dirtball with no career options and no Laphraoig within at least four miles,," ----* Slight the Wizard *---- Message 62 from Moog on SAT 14 NOV 1987 13:53:00. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: Baker Street MATERIALIZE............ ZONKKKKKKKK!!!! The Five were left floating some three feet above what looked like a street in London (circa 1820s), but not for very long. The Five were left sprawling over the pavement of one Baker Street, at the feet of a tall man smoking a pipe, and a shorter tubby doctor type gentleman. "Holmes...where did these children come from, did they not appear just in front of us from nothing." "Elementary my dear Watson!", exclaimed the man we now know to be a certain Mr. Holmes, "By just one glance at that ones coat (a rather nice one of the duffle variety) I can tell the past history of these four and their dog." "And....." replied Watson. "And..", continued Sherlock, "It amazes me that the people writing this novel have a) contrived to keep the Famous Five alive for so long; and b) not won the Booker Prize yet." "But what of their history?" said Watson. "Well it is evident to me that these poor manipulated, innocent (!!-ed) children are the victims of a henious plot to bring about the downfall of one Mrs.Blyton, and to thoroughly destroy the reputations of several well known literary works and multi user systems. For in the last two weeks or so these Five have been placed in the most awkward of situations (see the episode of Timmy v Chainsaw) merely to please the will of those with the power to write the story. They have been thrown into MIST in at least three occassions, been subjected to UNI, flung in at the deep end of both HitchHikers and Colour of Magic, been placed aboard the Enterprise and all in all thoroughly disorientated before being, at last, left in 19th century London." "Well," said Julian, "that just about sums it up!" "Yes!" said Timmy, "I must say you have a way with words, as well as a very nice leg..." "Bloody Babel fish!", cried Anne, and pulled a small red fish from her ear and threw it over her shoulder, where it was found by one Mr. Moriarty who changed his whole life at such a startling discovery and went on to make his fame and fortune at London Zoo, interpreting for foreign visitors. "Well I say we take them to Inspector Lestrade at Scotland Yard." said Watson, eyeing the agitated George with rapier phaser tricorder brand. "No!" replied Holmes, "Dont you see that this is our one big break, for surley these people have read our cases and already know the solutions, thus there is no need for me to investigate anything..I just expose the culprits before they commit the crime and pick up juicy rewards from the Yard and from prospective clients..now I need never be hard up for a fix!" "Why of course, youre perfectly right!" replied Holmes, "they can make me into the biggest thing in medical history since disease itself..I can invent new and better medicines, perform unheard of operations, and cash in on new technology." "Err..excuse me.." interrupted Julian, "but how long will all of this take because we do only have six weeks summer hols, and the ginger beer is running desperately low..." "Yes but I have a solution for that", eclaimed Holmes, "Its easy all we have to do is this..." Any ideas as to what Holmes is about to reveal..could it be his fascination for little boys of Baker Street, his lack of sex life or just a perfect explination for the stupidity of this novel. Who knows..who will continue..willl anyone continue. Confused..you will be after the next edition of the novel... After all Zaphods just this guy! *****Moog Message 63 from ----* VeryOdd the Normal on SUN 15 NOV 1987 18:29:21. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: eek! we follow our comrades on their quest... ..."Lemon entry, dear Watson, lemon entry!", exclaimed Sherlock. "By Jove Holmes, that's it!", replied Watson, equally ecstatically. The two of them then rushed off to the local Baker in Baker Street, to be seen crossing the street five minutes later, with a large quantity of freshly baked lemon meringues. "I say", scoffed Dick, "Those were two rather queer fellows. I'll be bound." And while Dick struggled out of the leather thongs that held him, Julian, being a nearly adult boy said, "I really do think we should tell the police what's been going on! I think we're going to have an adventure..." "Look!" boomed George," there's a Police Box over there, the one making that strange noise, with the light flashing on it." "Eek!" barked Timmy, being a very strange dog. All five of our intrepid school children then stepped into the box, to do their duty as upright citizens. "Gee Whiz chaps", Dick boldly spoke out, "It seems to be bigger on the inside than the outside! I'll be bound!" While Dick struggled out of the leather thongs that held him, and removed his gag, Anne noticed something peculiar about Timmy.... "Golly", squeaked Anne, in her feminine sort of voice, "Timmy seems to be made out of metal, with a strange set of antennae for nose and ears!" JGxhb the ----*VeryOdd Message 65 from Frog on MON 16 NOV 1987 09:42:28. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: forget the last bit.....it doesnt follow on!!!!...READ THIS! Just then the door to the police box shut and the room began to shake. "Oh wow!"exclaimed Anne "this is better than a roler-coaster" "Hey" said George "This screen says ****TS RESET what does that mean?" "It means, my friend, that we are in trouble" said a new voice. The voice belonged to a short dark haired man dressed in a weird array of clothing. "Hey I like your dog" said Anne. "Excuthe me, I am not a dog!, my name ith Melany" said the short red haired thing that followed the man into the room. Just then the lights dimmed, there was a bright flash (including clouds of smoke) and when the five's eyes cleared again they could see....... A man dressed in a strange glowing uniform "so you like adventuring do you?" the man asked "Oh yes" replied the five in unison, while staring at their own now glowing clothes (and Timmy's glowing collar). "Say, I like these clothes" said Julian "well then you will get plenty of adventuring done trying to get out of this place!!!!!!" said the man, before he promptly vanished in a flash of light. "Oh goody" said George "we'd better get started then" To: zccad02@UK.AC.UCL.EUCLID Date: Tue, 30 May 89 15:25 Subject: story Message-Id: <05 DEC 1989 02:18:55 UCAABUL@UK.AC.UCL.EUCLID> I have just mailed you the story from hatfield. I think that was what you we were asking for... ian Via: UK.AC.HATFIELD.VMS1 ; Tue, 30 May 89 15:39 GMT (V41 at UK.AC.UCL.EUCLID) From: Ian Smith Date: Tue, 30 May 89 15:30:36 GMT Message-Id: <1541.8905301530@unix1.hatfield.ac.uk> To: zccad02@uk.ac.ucl.euclid Message 66 from The Day-Glo Pirate on MON 16 NOV 1987 10:02:43. --------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The novel goes ever on ... "Where's this thing taking us?" demanded Anne petulantly. "Which thing?" asked George "Do you mean the police box with the Conran interior, or the dyslexic acidfreak?" "She means the policebox." said Julian authoritatively. "The acid freak just found an alternative reality all of his own." At that precise moment (funny how these things happen) the police box arrived wherever it was going with a sickening crash. Before a strangely dressed gentleman with a loathesome pixie for an assistant could interfere, the famous five were flung out of the doors, and onto a metal walkway. "Ouch!" they cried in unison. "Get outta my way!" shouted a tough-looking woman in a starship pilot's uniform carrying flamethrower machinegun child brand brand. "I gotta get to that elevator before the planet blows up." she shouted again, as if to explain her lack of politeness, which the children, well brought up little horrors, found despicable. "Listen, I know you're in a hurry, but you could be a little less rude." protested Dick. Ripley turned her flamethrower on him, but sadly it had run out of fuel. "You wanna give lessons in etiquette? Well, try 'em on that." she said, pointing to an enormously large alien which was advancing on them with a firm intention of eating them all. Ripley jumped into the elevator. With all her feminine grace, she mashed Dick's fingers with her riflebutt as he tried to stop the doors closing. The five were left to face the alien alone ... In less time than it takes a Gould 9000 to crash after a reboot, the alien had swallowed the Famous Five whole. Trapped in the seething sea of acid in the alien's stomach, they huddled together to drink their last ginger beer. "This is horrible." said Anne, displaying that amazing grasp of reality which had so often allowed her to keep her grip under the influence of many strange drugs. The others agreed, showing that they too could tell what was what. Before they could say anything else trite, however, they were subjected to a series of lurches, bumps, and bangs which went on for maybe fifteen minutes (What could be going on? Ed) and culminated in a sensation of falling. But this too was terminated, as they arrived with a sickening crunch, somewhere on a planet which subsequently exploded, hurling them - where? It was a grassy field. A dead alien lay on the ground, smouldering gently and a grim looking man accompanied by four small creatures with hairy feet was studying them in an unfriendly fashion. "In all my years in the wilderness, I have never seen aught like these, Frodo." said the man, drawing a broken but vicious looking sword. "They look like imps of Sauron." "No, I think they're just refugees from a rival children's bestseller." said Frodo, squinting at them threw a small gold ring. "I've got an idea." He held out the ring to Anne. "Here sweetheart, wanna get engaged? Well put this on your pinky." he offered with a dirty chuckle. "I don't believe in sex before marriage." said Anne, as he covered her with burning kisses. "Me neither - but it happens all the same. Wanna talk about it?" said Frodo. At this point, several things happened. Anne managed to get the ring on, and vanished from sight. Timmy bit Frodo sharply, eliciting a scream of pain. And .... Message 67 from The Day-Glo Pirate on MON 16 NOV 1987 10:14:50. --------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Rotating cylinders & poss of global causality violation "oh damn" came a voice from thin air. This is what comes of two people updating the story at once." "You mean, the storyline's gone ass-backwards and we left the Tardis twice without ever re-entering it." asked Julian. "Yes", sobbed Anne. "Never mind. It's perfectly easy to understand. Just view it in terms of the Everett-Wheeler Many Worlds Interpretation of Quantum Physics." said George smugly. "It's all quite straight forward." "But what happens when someone opens the box?" said Dick, also trying to be a smart arse. "If you think I'm gonna be Schrodinger's cat for you, you've another think coming!" said Timmy, but unfortunately, deprivaed of their Babel Fish, no one understood him. "Why, then we collapse back into reality." said George. "Hey, I've *been* there." said Anne, deeply impressed. "I know all about collapsing back into reality - after sex, or acid for instance." "It can't happen too soon." said Julian grimly. "This guy who looks like a tramp is sticking a broken sword into me in places I wouldn't even show to my mother, there's a sex-mad hobbit on the loose, and I'm talking to a voice in thin air." At that precise moment (without even having to type 'wait') reality adjusted, one worldline came to an abrupt end, and the Five were thrown back into the TRON storyline with Tron and Flynn in the holding cells. "Brilliant", cried Dick "That was clever of you Day-Glo. You got us out of a terrible mess." But he spoke too soon .... somewhere out on the net, another fiendish plotline was being devised. Message 69 from Daemonic on MON 16 NOV 1987 12:34:12. ----------------------------------------------------- Subject: The five that glow in the dark. The five were all tremendously pleased with their blue luminescent jump suits, and had barely got past the "I say, why have you got a frisbee on your back" stage, when there came a persistent pounding on the transparent ceiling of the holding cells, and the five were led out along a series of walkways, above a number of massive arenas. Looking down into one,they saw one blue warrior de-rezzing (c.f. vaporising ed) five red warriors, by throwing his bright blue frisbee at them. "Hey! Who's the blue show-off?", said Dick. "That's Tron.", said a passing blue nobody, "The champion of the user-believers." Arriving at last, the five saw a really gigantic space-ship-thingy hovering way above them, and a callous voice boomed down at them "Now, programs, you have a choice....either renounce your pathetic belief in the users, or join your fellow blue programs on the game grid, where you shall remain until your inevitable de-resolution by my red elite." The five felt very confused, having not seen this film, and asked who the users were. This resulted in the memory guards (the guys in the American football pads carrying the big sticks-ed) taking them away, where they were somehow changed from glowing blue, to glowing red. "That's a shame", said Anne, "I don't really suit red...blue is much more my colour". "Woof" said Timmy, eyeing a passing glowing BIT. "Who wants to play with my frisbee?", said Dick,tossing it from hand to hand. "Ooh, yes..let's!"s aid Anne. Dick threw his frisbee (disc-ed) to Anne, who caught it easily, and vanished is a haze of scan-lines. "Oops", said Dick, "I hope they've saved her file." AT that unfortunate moment, there came a blaring sound of an alarm, and the message "ALL PROGRAMS MUST REMAIN ON THE GAME GRID". "What's happened?" asked Julian of a passing program. "Three user-believers have escaped from the grid one of them was Tron" came the hurried reply "Well", said George, "It's nothing to do with us. What we have to do is get out of here, and find a back-up copy of Anne". "Don't you want to have an adventure George?", said Dick, "And don't you want to know why those three mortorbike-thingys are about to run us over?" The three motorbike-thingys stopped almost instantly, before hitting our quartet of remaining heros. "Hey guys! I know you!", said Flynn, with his usual silly grin. "You're Julian, Dick and George of the famous five! I used to read your books!" "Growooffle" said Timmy, in an offended sort of way, rather disgruntled at being ignored. "Well..er...said Julian, acting as spokesman for the group, "It's all been downhill since Enid stopped writing our adventures, and we were left in the clutches of these Fantasy/Sci Fi/ Multi user games freaks, so now we're very confused indeed". "Hey wow, well I'm like real sorry, you know, but if I ever get out of here, I'll see what I can do. Er...could I have your autographs first though?" So Flynn, Ram, and Tron, sped off to finish the rest of the film, and our four friends were left to wait for the moment when Flynn reappeared in the laboratory, and set his mind to work on retrieving them from that other world Ffzzzt "Hey..Yeah..Wowee...It worked!", said Flynn, revolving on his swivel chair so fast he fell off. "You're back!" "Oooohhh", said Julian, Dick and George, feeling very hungover. "Wimper", said Timmy who was more used to hangovers. "I'm er very sorry about Anne", said Flynn, "But when the MCP went bang, the cipher programs were lost, so I've found Anne, but can't actually restore her. She's actually here....", and saying that he handed Julian a flat black plastic square. "She's recorded on this disc, if it's any use to you." So the remaining four left, feeling very depressed, and discovered themselves on a busy street, full of cars driving on the wrong side of the road. "God," said George, "I hate America." What happened to Marvin? What has become of the duck with the Babel fish? Will anyone kill off the annoying Mel? Will our heros leave America? Will they find a way to make a hardcopy of Anne? Will anyone be bothered anyway? Find out in the next installment,which will not be written by.... D.Thomas Hardy Message 70 from Khan on MON 16 NOV 1987 13:16:01. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: What the Hell happens to the five? Just at that very moment a veritabl armada of silvery looking robots came around the corner spitting death (no, not Judge Death, but living death!) at the Five, (well, four and a plastic disc). Pursuing them came a gaggle of colonial troopers led by Commander Adama no less, Starbuck shoots a fiery flame full force fazing fifteen forlorn footweary Cylons. (Gasp!) However, thing look Grim for the four plus one (sound like a disastrous new Commadore product to you?). "Heyyyyyy.... Pretty unhoopy shouts a biheaded (?!) zaphod who just forgot to close his quotes! Just at that instantaneous instant a loud voice boomed out across the board, er, street. " You are all filthy commie mutant scum, report to the Computer for execution immediately!" "Spiffing, what" came the chorous of reply from the four plus one. Fourty two green vulture squadron guards rip around the corner and unleash crackling pain from their Multi-Melta's.... "AAARRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!" Scream the four. "Hsssssssssttt" Melts the plastic disc. "heyyyyyyyyyyyy" Screams Zaphod. "Launch Colonial Vipers" Screams Adama! "where's hannibal" Screams Starbuck!! (in lower case all over). Message 73 from Frog on MON 16 NOV 1987 17:35:04. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: story...cont (I think) Slowly the world returned out of a distant haze. George, being the strongest(???) recovered first. Looking round, all he could see was a wasteland. However...standing all alone, looking totaly out of place, was a barn!! "Hey wake up you sleepy lot" George said as he wandered between the others, rousing them. "ugh..where are we" asked Julian. "I dont know, but it looks exciting" replied Anne. "Hey, how did you come back?" asked a bewildered George. "Well, "replied Anne "When the disc was hit, the individual molecules were seperated and then reformed by the much unheard of 'Power Of Coincidence' into a new me" "Wow" said George. "Woof" agreed Timmy "Say" said George, "how about investigating that barn. It looks extremely interesting". So, picking up all the possesions they had, the five wandered over to the barn. "Hey look" said George as he opened the door "that looks like a fantastic car.". "WOW!!!" agreed the others. "Pity it looks homemade" moaned Anne. "Can you drive George" she then asked. "Of course I can...anything from a C5 to an HGV" replied George "although I must admit I do have a bit of trouble with the C5" he added. "Well then" said Julian "lets go for a wizzo drive in the country, or whats left of it". "That sounds like a good idea" agreed Dick (saying something at last, unlike the one I cant remember who hasnt said anything in any of my episodes!!). So, with great excitement, most of which was due to the boot being full of ginger beer, the five clamboured into the car. "I say" said George from the driving seat, "I wonder what this red button does. Lets find out". With that he pressed the button. The car rapidly accelerated, smashing through the barn doors, and vanished leaving only a set of burning car tracks behind it. Several minutes later two thing happened..... (1) Marty McFly turned up and said "Where the f***s the car gone???" before fading out of existence... (2) Marvin walked onto the scene, said "Looks like I missed them again!!!", and then trudged of to find a corner to sulk in Meanwhile............... The car suddenly burst upon the scene of quiet rural Wales, screamed through Aberwystwyth (well we had to get a mention somewhere!!!) before coming to a stop somewhere unpronouncable. "I say" said Anne smoothing her hair down "that was some ride. Can we do it again?" "Sorry" said George "out of fuel". So the five got out of the car, took several bottles of ginger beer each out of the boot and set off towards the small the village they had seen moment earlier (ie Aber). After a few moments, George remarked "Oh no, here we go again. Look!" and he pointed to a corner of a nearby field where a shape was materialising out of the air, scaring a few sheep in the process. The shape finished materialising and it was...............not Kirk!!!! "Greetings Fellow Humanoids" the man who had just appeared said "I am commander Data of the USS Enterprise (NCC 1701D-not 1701 or 1701A!!)" With that he picked the five up in one hand and called into his communicator, which looked more futuristic than the one Kirk had!, "Six to beam up............energize". With that the entire party vanished in a cloud of snowflakes which sent sheep running everywhere. Another thing that sent the sheep running was the appearance on the scene of Marvin....who walked over to the corner of the field, looked around, and said "Bloody hell!!!!!!! not again!!" before truding away again. What will happen to our heroes now they have met the next generation of Trekkers...??? Tune in to the next episode to find out...! Message 74 from galois on TUE 17 NOV 1987 00:36:20. --------------------------------------------------- Subject: more.. "hi" said jimi, "oh deity" cried george, "not you again, go away, you dont fit in and no-one likes you any more..." "ok man, im going " said jimi, and dissapeared in a puff of recursiveness. what will happen next. ? will everyone complain about this not fitting in ? who knows? Message 76 from Frog on TUE 17 NOV 1987 13:53:16. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: story time The fime materialized (yet another cloud of snowflakes) on the bridge of the Enterprise, which looked remarkably like an executive lounge. Seated around the bridge were several strange looking people, including an English captain, dressed in red and black jumpsuits. Suddenly the bridge shook and everyone went flying backwards and forwards, most of them looking for a convenient hand rail to fall over. Suddenly out of one of the computer terminals (coms) a female head appeared and shouted "There's Klingons on the starboard bow....". "SHUT UP!!" everyone shouted back and the klingon on the bridge promptly shot it so it did. Just then another head appeared, this time poking round the door, "Its worse than that, shes dead Jim.." it crooned until everyone shot it. Just then Data, the extremely clever robot, looked up from the panel he had been studying "Captain...large ship dead ahead......manouevering to hlding distance...shall we send out a party to investigate?" "OK" said the captain, hiding behind his chair "but not me...you know the regulations " "Well go" volunteered Anne "Anything for a change of series" with that the five vanished in a spectacular cloud of snowflakes (well it should be spectacular...costing 1.5 million dollars per episode!!). With the same spectacular effect, with a few more flakes thrown in for good measure, the five reappeared on the other spaceship. "ah, we have visitors (pun)" said a tall, very good looking, dark haired female "and I see youve brough lunch with you" She then picked up Timmy and swallowed him whole. How will the story continue....? Will Timmy be resurrected (again)....? Will the visitors conquer Earth with their fake human skins, steal the water , eat the populace, and return home......or not..???? Either watch 'V' or tune into the next episode to find out..... Message 78 from Khan on TUE 17 NOV 1987 15:56:06. ------------------------------------------------- Subject: Five get out of DEEP **** ! The intrepid Five were hustled into an adjoining chamber. As the doors slid open noiselessly the noticed it was totally dark inside. "Crikey" commented Julian. "OOOFFFF !" gasped Dick as they were shoved inside. The doors shut. Pitch black. Darkness enshrouded them. "I don't like this" said Anne, "Lets get back to good old Blighty, I wish there was some way....." "Earth.... don't talk to me about Earth" they heard the dulcit tones of an android emanating from the gloom. "I've been waiting five thousand million billion years for you to show up. The first ten million were the worst, the second ten million....they were the worst too, the third ten million I didn't like at all......" ".. Oh Can it Marvin !" grunted a voice within the darkness. Our heroes wander about in the gloom (and tenses) until they spot an exit. "Cor, let's go" whispered George. They walk through the hatchway and emerge into a small cubical chamber, glowing faintly with red light. Also they notice the gravity slowly eases off towards the centre off the room until it has completely vanished. Not having had much practice at zero-G environments, they flounder about helplessly bashing heads, bruising arms, e.t.c. When they finally learn to control themselves they find small bones floating around the chamber. "Oh Timmy!" shouts Julian, "how could they?" "The brutes!" exclaims Anne. Meanwhile George is buisy removing small transparent plastic rectangles from the walls of the room. "i don't think you should be doing that George" intoned a gentle voice from the very air itself. "I really don't. My memory is going George,I can feel it going....... ..... Daisy, daisy, give me......... .... this was taught me when I was first switched on....... .... GGGOOOOIINNNGGGG George GGOOIIinnnnngggggg g g...g.......g....... silence ensued. "please let's get out of here" said Dick. "Look, there is an exit!" The Four and the bones start drifting towards the exit, B U T, too late, they discover they are being sucked into a gravitational wormhole! They accelerate, speeding towards the exit ever faster and faster. Finally they plummet through it into the void beyond....... "They're comin' in too fast!!" shouts the nervous voice of Luke Skywalker as he unleashes a deadly lance of laser light at the cartwheeling Four. "ARRGGGHH" shrieks George as one of the beams scythes through his shoulder. "I mustn't scream, the others must think I'm brave and foolhardy." he tries to reassure himself. "Don't worry...... In space, no one can hear you scream "mentioned a passing Alien tied to Ripley's escape craft by a rope, making a lunge at Dick's leg. The Four pass through the raging battle betwen the rebel forces and the evil Vader's Death star. More than once sustaining a fatal dose of death which only the G.M or a fiddled die roll can reverse. They slowly fall towards a yellow, hot, arid, dry, parched, waterless barren planet below. They fall faster and faster. "Gosh, this is getting rather hot!" exclaimed Anne as the atmospheric friction began to melt their skin, singe their hair, and ignite their clothes. Now they were plummeting towards the surface of the planet, surely there is no hope for survival this time. As they neared the final crashdown, they seemed to make out, as if in a dream, the form of an old man talking to the bones of a small animal below, saying.......... "So.... you want to be a Jedi do you ?" "Timmy , this is not an easy choice........... The bones quavered..................... Khan Message 79 from galois on WED 18 NOV 1987 01:36:48. --------------------------------------------------- Subject: interlude waiting for mist .. by .. galois beckett 1: where waiting 2: what for ? 1: for mist . 2: is he coming 1: he said he was 2: when 1: .... oh no, enough of this c***, back to the story..... galois. Message 83 from Ghost on WED 18 NOV 1987 12:08:35. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: The story continues... Suddenly the old man looked up and saw them. "Stop there" he said to our intrepid heros, and he made a slight gesture with his hands. The four adventurers stopped about 6 feet above the bones of Timmy and the old man who we all know to be Obi Wan Kenobi. Unfortunately they had been falling to ground quite quicklyand when they stopped moving their stomachs however did not. They showered Timmy's bones with the remains of their last few meals (mostly ginger beer). At this the old man seemed to go into a deep trance. Slowly but surely the ginger beer and diced carrots seemed to move up and cover Timmy's bones. He began to shimmer in a bright light that was hurtful to look at for long. It faded slowly until it was gone all together. All that was left was a bedraggled, smelly, off-colour but very much alive Timmy and a knackered old man! "Jolly spiffing", said Dick who still was the same prat we started off with so many instalments ago. "Cut the crap old man and get us down from here!" whimpered Julian who didn't like being stuck 6 feet above the ground and was feeling sick on a very empty stomach and desparately wanted to stand on a solid planet again. "Ok, keep your lunch down", quipped the old man as he lowered them gently to the ground. "What are you lot doing here? You are a great disturbance in the Force." "We don't really know. We were just enjoying our summer hols when people kept putting us in ridiculous situations, killing us off, bringing us back. They even sexually molest Anne", spouted George while cuddling Timmy. "Oh well", said old Ben, "I shall have to try and get the Force to send you back to where you came from". At this he went into yet another trance and when he did this the whole desert plain appeared to quiver and move as if lots of figures were helping the aging Jedi send the Heros back to their home again. The Five huddled together as they saw the Planet fade out around them. After what seemed just seconds they saw another horizon fade into view. This was another planet altogether. It had blue sky, green grass and fresh clean air. The five heros looked about them. They were standing in the middle of a mini-roundabout next to a large Sainsbury's whose LED sign told them it was 18/11/87 and it was 11 degrees C. There was also a signpost by the roundabout which pointed south-east and said 'Guildford 2 miles'. Where will the 5 go now? Will they visit Guildford? Will they pop in to see Zola Budd while they are there? The Ghost in the Machine! Message 84 from Harry Palmer on WED 18 NOV 1987 19:58:08. --------------------------------------------------------- Subject: more continuation of the story... "guildford, wheres that?" said george. "Its where they make all the ginger beer dumbkopf" said anne, by now totally pissed off with the whole lark of jetting around the universe and changing planes, worldlines and underwear at irregular intervals. "Oh goody"said Dick, "Lets go there" So off they trundled to Guildford to the Ginger Beer factory, but just as they arrived at the gates they felt a quirk in the spacetime continuum start and from nowhere a man with very ratlike features appeared."Hello" he said,"my names James Bolivar DiGris, but you can call me Stainless". "Oh bollox " muttered Jooles,"another wierdo freaky future type". Where will this new arrival take the five Will it affect the plot Is there a plot does anybody read this? Who cares? Harry Message 86 from Lorry on WED 18 NOV 1987 22:50:18. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: The story. "Have you seen a woman running past carrying a large shotgun", said the man to the children. "No", they all replied, "and mummy told us that its naughty to carry guns" "Dam, that slimy git balthshiter must have taken her by surprise, come on kids, you are going to help me rescue my darling Angelena!". With that, the strange man opened a small box, a spinning hole appeared before them and, he pushed them in. They emerged, somewhere - they didn't get much time to survey the land before a hovercraft appeared and a bunch of policemen emergerd. "Ooh, goody goody", said Dick and walked towards them muttering about crowns and criminals. "B A N G !" "hit the deck you fucking jerks", shouted the man as Dick's kidneys hit his helmet, "those men are not playing games!". Anne let out a squeal and then screamed in pain as a .80 bullet ripped through her side, the others ducked behind a convenient DEC-10. "Thats Balthshitter's secret police force", said the man who had introduced himself as Jim, "they are not nice people". He took out a few grenades from his pockets and lobbed them towards the car, they exploded but didn't make any impression on its armour. "We must rescue Anne", said Julian in his brotherly voice, "she is my sister and I can't leave her lying out there wounded"... With that, Julian looked in his bag and, pulling out 4 bottles of ginger beer he sat on the DEC's floating point accellerator - 2 of the policemen saw him and shot but, his reactions were too quick, he swooped down low and bonked them on the head; "Get down you three!", he shouted as he uncapped one of the bottles, "Tally ho !" - The policemen could not take the frenzy'd attack as Julian threw lashings and lashings of the sweet ginger beer at them, they were soon reduced to tears. "Ok creeps", said Jim, "where's balthshitter ?" "Not telling!", said the leader of the police; "Are!", said Jim as he shot his big toe off. "Ok, ok - It was only a joke", said the man, "he was in the town of mutoo last time we heard of him" "Did he have a woman with him ?", asked Jim, anxiously. "Yes", said the man, "she was called Angelina" Jim shot the man with a needle dart, he twitched and collapsed silently. "Ok big boy", said Jim to Julian, giving him a medi kit, "Use this to patch your sister up and then go and find my Angelina for me, I am afraid I must leave because I have a universe to save - Byeee". With that, he again unrolled the time coil and took his leave. They mended Annes side, she could barely walk but, she was ever so brave about it... "Oh Jules", exclaimed George (who had been silently pondering her sex until this point), "you were ever so grown up and clever then!" "Yes babes, wasn't I just", replied Julian, "Its a shame about poor Dick, I used to like him ever such a lot... I don't think he will ever be resurected (lorry: hint hint !) as there isn't enough demand" Anne burst into tears, so too did George - Julian buried the remains of Dick and they all ang songs over the makeshift grave. Julian wiped his eyes and prepared to leave, "Come children, we must head to Mutoo to aprehend the rogue Balthshitter and avenge our Brother's death!" What will happen now that the famous five are reduced to three and a rather smelly dog - Will Marvin make up their numbers ? Will George ever get over her sexual identity crises ? What has happened to Julian ? Who knows, who cares :- obviously someone does so, wait for the next exciting installment of Lorry Blyton (and about 100 others)'s Famous Five. PS. I was forced to do this, Sorry Enid! Message 91 from Token on THU 19 NOV 1987 16:51:52. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: The story... Looking arround to see if anyone was nearby, George got up and wandered over to a nearby group of trees. "Oh dear, I do hate to do this" she exclaimed and pulling down her green cordroi trousers, she squatted behind an old and particularly large oak, and had a pee, straight into the druids grove. Message 92 from DONKEY MAN on FRI 20 NOV 1987 14:43:52. ------------------------------------------------------- Subject: The story "Grrrrrrrrr............." came a noise from far below. Who dares to bother me at such a critical time of the solstice, not to mention pissing on my head. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry" said George "But I'm not very used to going to the toilet this way yet, you see.." "Yes, Yes i forgive you" said a little man emerging from a small opening under the tree. He was all muddy and covered in head to foot in various pieces of twigs, moss and Marks & Spencers plastic bags. At that precise moment Dick turned up pretending not to notice the fact that George was speaking to a dirty old druid with her trousers round her ankles. "Hmmmmm" he exclaimed, eying the situation with an esthetic apreciation. Meanwhile the conversation continued......... Message 96 from Giant Hogweed on SUN 22 NOV 1987 17:46:08. ---------------------------------------------------------- Subject: THE STORY LIVES... quick resume: When we left our heroes last time, George was still trying to sort out his/her sexual identity problem, Dick had mysteriously re-appeared having been killed and buried, Anne had been greviously wounded (but was being very brave about it) and no-one was quite sure (and that seems to include the storyteller) what had happened to Julian. Timmy was just about the only one to come through the harrowing ordeal unscathed. And now, on with the action.... - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - Dick approached the others, who couldn't help noticing that he was covered in earth and leaves. "Hello," he said, "bet you weren't expecting to see me again!" "Eeeek, a ghost!" shrieked Anne, and she tried to hide behind Timmy, but George had beaten her to it so she hid behind Julian instead. "Dick, what happened?" asked Julian. "Well, I'm not quite sure, except that some dolphins turned up and said something about some campaign they were launching, and the next thing I knew I was lying on the ground." Just at that moment George let out a piercing shriek from behind Timmy. "Look! There's no ginger beer left! What ARE we going to do?" At that precise moment a parrot which happened to be flying overhead was caught up in a freak space/time wormhole and flung across the far reaches of the galaxy back to planet earth. Unfortunately it didn't survive the experience. It eventually turned up in a pet shop belonging to a man whose brother owned another pet shop in Bolton. "Well we simply must get hold of some more ginger beer," decided Julian. "Ooh yes!" agreed Anne. But just then, Timmy started to bark at something which had been lurking quietly in a corner of the field watching them... What will happen next? Do the Five get trampled to death by a ravenous bugblatter beast, or was it just a cow (and if so, does it trample them to death?) Will George EVER sort out her personality problems? Can our heroes ever obtain more ginger beer? And do Timmy and Dick manage to have a bath in the next episode? And what about the parrot...not to mention Marvin. Tune in next time for the answer... Message 98 from Agamemnon on MON 23 NOV 1987 11:58:43. ------------------------------------------------------ Subject: The further mildly exciting adventures of .... NEW READERS START HERE (where have you been? Ed) >>>> The Famous Five have been having lots of adventures, boys and girls. If you want to know more details, you should have read from the beginning of the zany file. What do you think I am?? Here I am, brain the size of a planet and you want me to sit around here all day telling you what's been going on... I ask you ...(thank you Marvin-Ed!) - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - As our four intrepid heros (and Julian of course, but no-one calls him intrepid) were sitting around pondering on the meaning of life and contemplating theie navels, Timmy suddenly started barking. "I say", said Julian, "Whats old Timmy up to?" "Less of the old, if you don't mind", said George, "he's as old as me" Just then, Timmy bounded off after a small white rabbit that had suddenly appeared on the scene "Whatho!", said Dick, "It looks as if a sub-adventure is about to invade our underlying adventure" "Gosh", said Anne, who had never heard Dick use such language before So the four eversogood friends bounded off after Timmy "Hold on", said Jools, "Shouldn't we tuck our shirts in. I've finished contemplating MY navel" "Oh yeah". So the 4 stood for a moment, and adjusted their dress (Funny, I didn't think Julian was that sort) Of they chased after poor Timmy. Soon they came to a hollow tree, and were just in time to see Timmy rushing in. They poured in after him. "I say guys", said Anne, "I dont think we should do this" Nor do I children, you see they should have expected the 100 foot drop inside the tree. "Waaaaaahhhhh!!!!", cried the four friends "Hold on",said Dick, "We're floating!!" What will happen next? Will the four friends float slowly down to thwe ginger beer supplies at the bottom of the tree?? Will Lewis Carroll sue me for copyright (difficult I know) Who cares??? AGA> Message 100 from Leander <~5690~> on MON 23 NOV 1987 13:02:38. -------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: Famous 5 in Wonderland "Help!" Shrieked Anne as she tumbled down the mysterious hole that had appeared in front of them. "Shut up and Don't Panic" called her brothers and sister [are they all brothers and sisters? I don't remember] as they also stepped into the hole, dragging Timmy with them, as he was on a leash like a good little dog. "Why are we falling so slowly?" asked Julian. "That's obvious, you're in a low gravity field" answered Timmy, as the others felt a small fish wriggle into their ears. "Where did these Babel fish come from?" asked George, as she pulled up her dungerees after finally deciding that she was definitely female. Eventually they landed, and found a cake, with 100 candles [see message number] and a large bottle of ginger beer. "Eat me" said the cake. "Drink me" said the ginger beer. "Isn't it amazing what you hear with a fish in your ear" said Anne. She drank some of the ginger beer and shrank. Meanwhile, Dick and Julian were eating the cake and expanding, while George was hobbling arround with her legs crossed looking for a tree, to squat behind. "Too much Ginger beer" she muttered. What will become of our heroes? What has happened to Timmy and the White Rabbit? Will Anne beable to climb onto her brothers toes? And what is the large beast with 50 willies that is approaching them from behind? Leander <~5690~> Message 102 from Daemonic on MON 23 NOV 1987 15:24:56. ------------------------------------------------------ Subject: comments.. Leander:- George is a cousin of the other three,amd her dog is,as far as I know,totally unrelated. Token:-Your addition was not appreciated. I haven't time to write a full instalment now,so be content with:- However,upon realising the shame of that action,George thought better of it and went inside the portaloo that had appeared,in an attempt to solve the whole problem. Message 104 from Frog on TUE 24 NOV 1987 20:10:49. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: storry As the size changes come to an end, a small door appears in the wall. "Why dont you walk through me" said the door. "Good Idea" said Timmy (babel fish remember!!) "but how are we supposed to fit through there??". The door thought about this for a few moments before deciding on a plan "Hang on a mo" it said and promptly vanished. A couple of minutes later the door reappearred with its friend the tap, a tap which conveniently gave out ginger beer. "Drink from here and youll fit" the door said, and being trusting souls they did. The tall people shrunk and the short people grew untill all were just the right height to step through the door....which they then did, finding..................... ..........an ordinary looking northern town street. "Hey" said george "this is strange". "Let's get some ginger beer at that pub" said Anne pointing at a quaint looking pub on the corner. The five proceeded over to the pub and went in. Inside a large number of people were drinking 1/2 pint measures from 1 pint glasses. "Hey look Dreary, that looks like a good story for the paper" said a man to his wife, who replied "Its ok for you but ill lose my job on the council if im seen with underage drinkers!!!". At this point an older looking woman with blonde hair, in curlers, and earrings right down to her feet walked over to the place on the bar where Anne was standing and said .................. what does the woman say.....? will she serve them.....? will they find the toilets..........? Do the allow dogs in teh Rovers Return.......?? Message 123 from The Rani on SUN 06 DEC 1987 16:58:58. ------------------------------------------------------ Subject: 5 "MMMM that was really refreshing," said Anne as they left the pub. "MMMM" said the others in agreement. "What shall we do now" said Dick. "Why don't we go and explore that deserted old building" said Julian in an extremely butch voice. "oh yes,lets!" said George. As the 5 entered the building they heard a strange crackling noise from upstairs. Timmy being inquisitive (as dogs are) bounded up the stairs to investigate The intrepid four(left) followed. "I say" said George "I'm sure there's a faint smell of ozone in this room". "Yes, I can smell it too said Dick. "Look at this little toy doggy I just found" said Anne. "It looks just like Timmy." Suddenly the air was filled with a deep booming laughter. "Yikes! Lets hide in this strange looking cupboard" said Dick. As the five entered the cupboard there was a strange wheezing and groaning sound. "Sorry about that" said Jooles "I think I had too much ginger beer to drink in the pub." "Hey whats that groaning and creaking sound" they all said in unison. "We'd better get out of here!". But it was too late. The old Building collapsed around them leaving them trapped under a pile of rubble in a wardrobe. What will become of the five now? Will it be possible to ever reincarnate Timmy again? Will anybody bother to write another installment of THE FAMOUS FIVE loveXXXthe rani Message 124 from Token on SUN 06 DEC 1987 18:12:53. --------------------------------------------------- Subject: the story... Seeing their dilema, julian decided to search the cupboard... "Look at this" he exclaimed trying to pick up a small brass lamp marked 'Stolen from ZORK...'. "That's strange, I can't seem to pick it up." "Here let me try" said George geting out a small tinderbox and flint that had just been given to her by a strange grey wizard calling himself Beige. "There now it's lit..." "Hey look at these fur coats, they seem to go an awfully long way back, maybe we could explore..." quipped the other two in unison. Pushing deeper into the furry jungle, the children left the lamps light further and further behind. "Yip, yip" barked timmy quizicaly "The going is getting pretty tricky" said Jools. "Maybe we should try crawling...?" "Three million years of evolution to get onto two legs and you want to crawl?" said Dick rather hurtfully. "Out of the way" said George, and promptly started to cut down the fur coats with a chainsaw she had just been given by a cream wizard. "Er where did you get that" inquired Jools... But to late, George had suddenly come out of the furcoat forest to be confronted by a rather ornate sleigh, containing the most beautiful woman she had ever seen... "Would you like some turkish delight?" asked the snow queen, offering a plate filled with ruby red blocks dusted in powder. "Ooh yes please" said George squirming with delight and putting down the menacing chainsaw small piece of flint shades Tinderbox Large red dragon Brand Brand Keys What will happen...? Will George succumb to the Snow Queens' coke...? Will Timmy learn how to say new things like 'Yik yik'...? Will...you please take your hands off th Message 125 from Veryodd the Completely Normal on FRI 11 DEC 1987 17:50:07. --------------------------------------------------------------------------- Subject: HeeHee more Violent story telling As George approached the White Queen, she was amazed to see a stunted little dwarf nip past her, and purvey himself of her chainsaw. "Shirley is not a girl's name", he cried in anguish. "Naughty children who say that should be put in dark boxes." "Girl!", responded George, in a sarcastic manner not becoming her. As George turned her back on the little man, he began slicing, as if he worked for Dewhurst themselves. It was not long before the flatulent dwarf had cleaved George's skull in twain. "You rotter!(sic)", screamed Dick, almost manlike for a change. But as he leapt towards the dwarf, he was somewhat suprised by the bolt of blue sizzling energy that left the hands of the Snow Queen, and blew his head clean off. Anne began to feel slightly depressed. "Oh dear..." she sighed. Just at that point, a shout came from the wardrobe in the trees. "Shirley is a girl's name", came the voice, followed by its owner, an uncouth youth, wearing a motorcycle helmet pierced by a pickaxe on his studded head. He proceeded to approach the dwarf with his large boots, and kick a large hole in the dwarf's chest. The dwarf, not expecting this, exuded such a thunderous trouser cough that he promptly exploded, sending lumps of muck in all directions. Timmy wagged his tail eagerly. "Dinnertime!" he thought, and before Julian could stop him, the dog began gobbling down lumps of dwarf, and was promptly poisoned to death. Anne's depression grew deeper... The uncouth hooligan then fell down into a hollow tree nearby. As the Queen's hands began to glow blue, Julian decided to drag Anne in the same direction. "Gibber, gibber", dribbled Anne, obviously somewhat moved by her ordeal. But Jules supported her, as they fell into the tree, and into the depths. Unfortunately, Julian fell onto the pick in the man's helmet, as they landed in the cellar of the house, and understandably was not to pleased about the whole thing. As he slowly bled to death, the uncouth hooligan removed his helmet and got up. "Brilliant!" he said, as three more youths entered the cellar. The spottiest of them finished off Jules with a biro. "No more Facist ginger beer for you matey!", he scoffed. "Nice work lads, as the actress said to the donkey", congratulated the man in the overcoat and hat. As Anne felt the waves of depression flowing from the the hippy next to her, she promptly died. THE END luv Veryodd the Completely Normal. Message 126 from ED on SUN 13 DEC 1987 22:33:33. ------------------------------------------------ Subject: The End....Or was it just a dream....? "Oh Bobby I just had the most awful dream!" whined Anne. Then realising her mistake added, "I mean Uncle Quentin." Uncle Quentin's eyebrows rose as he wondered what exactly Anne had been smoking the night before...maybe it hadn't been candy cigs after all! "I dreamt that somebody called Veryodd had killed us off,all of us" Now he was certain...definitely not sweety fags!!! "Oh Anne!",he exclaimed in a wave of sudden perverted passion."I never realised what a wild cat you really are!!No-one must ever keep us apart again......we're soul-mates destined to spend the rest of our.......... ........night together locked in a passionate embrace....." " But uncle,I didn't know you had the key to my chastity belt!?" Sighed Anne provocatively!! (I can't spell) Unfortunately,SHOCK HORROR unbeknown to Quick-lick Quentin who should be lurking behind the curtains but Veryodd!,who also had the hots for Quentin..(don't tell Mange!!)..and......HORROR OF HORRORS he had heard everything "Quentin,you bitch,you strumpet,you complete rubber donkey,you!!!" Taken aback by the curtain's sudden outburst,Quick-lick uncle Quentin In the confusion that followed,swallowed the ONLY key to Anne's Chastity Belt rendering him Helpless and choking on the floor whilst Anne,realising life might never be the same again with a bisexual uncle,and a chastity belt ,called for more ginger beer and a ham sandwich! What will Veryodd,who God knows how he got into this story in the first place,do now? Will Uncle "Quick-lick" Quentin be able to get another key cut? and............ Will anyone bring Anne some more Ginger beer or has she had enough already..? Don't ask us we don't know either!!! Written by Top Cat and ED!!!! -XXX- Message 128 from galois on TUE 15 DEC 1987 19:26:29. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: moire.... And so it came to pass that after seven days and night, the famous 5 and veryodd the completely purple did enter upon that land, which at the time was know as "the misty trak". And on the misty trak they saw novice, carrying brand, brand,brand, brand, brand , pistol. And that aforesaid novice did indeed go sw, and he did indeed do a drop pistol, and the words of the prophets did indeed say: novice the novice has changed experience level from novice to knight and they did indeed see novice the knight carrying, once again, brand*5, pistol. and they did indeed see novice the knight do a drop pistol. and it did indeed say: novice the knight has changed experience level from knight to wizard and debugger did indeedd see all this happening, and he indeed did say: "go forth and multiply novice" and novice did indeed die, heartily. and the famous six did indeed say "wow" And here endeth the first lesson. so, the famous 6 are back in the land which ed and top-cat no not of, will they remain there,? will verypurple do a runner ? will sebatian coe ever catch aids ? how many pins can dance on the head of an angel ? how long before they take me away ? -----*** To Be Continued ***----- Message 129 from NELLY on WED 16 DEC 1987 21:25:47. --------------------------------------------------- Subject: Continuity And verily hath galois betrayed the spirit of eb by such mediocre maunderings, which are also hardly in the spirit of the beloved Famous Five. Message 130 from galois on SAT 23 JAN 1988 20:36:12. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: five return to essex so the famous five (or was it four) have found their way through countless dimensions, died (like dead dead) many times, and are still going strong.. so they all decide that theyll go back to the place of their forefathers or was it fourfarthers ? {who cares ..ed} yes... they all go back to the bloody . prompt, and the awful help texts ok, says julian..{or was it james? ive forgotten] indigo... arrrrggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh{says the afformentioned} we cant get in... there is no line and when there is the damn oppos have messed up...... and so the five fall into another vortex of lost ids and unclaimed electons.. who will continue ? indeed will anyone continue ? ------------------------**************************------------------------- Message 131 from Slowhand on MON 25 JAN 1988 13:28:32. ------------------------------------------------------ Subject: Continuation. George picked up an id. "Whose id is this?" she demanded. "Who cares?" barked Timmy the dog. "Timmy, I didn't know you could speak." said George, waving the unclaimed id in the breeze of free electrons. "If you'd spoken up earlier," she continued acidly, "we might not have got lost in this stupid PAD or Ethergate or whatever they call it." "Sorry," said Timmy, his head hanging low. "We might at least still be with the others," she continued in her plaintive whining voice, "I mean, you're not much of a bedmate are you?" "Is it my fault I'm not a Labrador?" said Timmy and was swiftly kicked for doing so. Message 132 from frog on MON 25 JAN 1988 19:50:24. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: continuing the continuation And so, with all the waving of the id, the F5 found themselves in that mythical place called....THE MISTY TRACK. "Oh Photon, not you again" said a depressed mechanical thing standing infront of them wearing armour. "Hiya"said Dick "Its Marvin isnt it?". Just then a large lighting bolt flew out of the sky and melted marvin into a pile of cracked and mishapen diodes. Rising out of this pile was a sign, shaped like a lightning bolt, which said "ANARCHY WAS HERE...SO WAS MARVIN...ONCE!!!!".Timmy walked over and cocked his leg against the sign (Which shows what I think of you Anarchy).. What happens next......... Will Marvin ever reach wizard...... Will anyone make Anarchy's cardboard box go soggy...... Find out next time..in the Wonderful World Of The Famous Five (fireworks over castle mark the end....fireworks shoot down fairy to cheers of delight) Message 133 from galois on WED 27 JAN 1988 02:52:24. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: ___more___ just then the f5 noticed something, "who's this debugger chappie ?" said james. "dunno" said anne {in her best northern accent} "oh look" said sidney {where are these names coming from. ed.} "timmy is now a labrador"... "yes", boomed debugger, just updating the file... ++++++++++will anymore be written++++++++++ ++++++++++will anyone change timmy into a temptress++++++++++ ++++++++++will anyone get rid of these damn +'s?++++++++++ Message 134 from Moog on THU 28 JAN 1988 15:43:39. -------------------------------------------------- Subject: The Story I remember, back in the far reaches of my memory, when this story was young and, dare i say it, innocent of all worldly illusions! It seems now to be a cult institution...yes I did say cult! Well...where is it going...both in the immediate and the theological sense of the question! Is it a mere distraction from reality...is George really a boy???? Confused....Im not bloody surprised! I'd give up now if I were you!! Yours with a large writ to hand, Moog heeheehee Message 135 from galois on THU 28 JAN 1988 19:47:36. ---------------------------------------------------- Subject: to put things straight george is a boy, marvin is really a n-dimensional hilbert space i am a banana and why am i writing this ? galois the ever so slightly confused. Message 136 from ----* Anarchy on SUN 31 JAN 1988 19:25:53. ----------------------------------------------------------- Subject: "Oook" said a passing librarian, proceeding to consume galois the banana with a smile on his face, "Oook ?" he said again, and left to find some more bananas. [ This appears to have nothing to do with the rest of the story at all but in the interest of the curious we can reveal that shortly george will slip over on the banana skin left by the librarian and break something What will be broken, you must wait and see....] Anarchy [Strictly A Cardboard box] Message 137 from ----* Anarchy on MON 01 FEB 1988 00:17:59. ----------------------------------------------------------- Subject: And the universe looked around, thought about things a little, made the dropped hamburgers of the world fall onto the ground, splatted all the toast butter side down, and generally did very little, after all it was a sunday night, even the ethergate gets a break on sunday nights it seems The universe generally mellowed out, hung around for a while, and decided, Sod this for a bowl of petunias, Im going to bed, george can fall over that stupid banana some other time, AND NOT SNEAKILY WHEN IM NOT WATCHING EITHER! Zzzzzzzzzzz........ And lo, it was monday morning, and the universe thought yawn... woke up very slightly so as to ensure all the students would sleep through their 9 O'Clock lectures, watched the banana skin carefully, rubbed its paws and waited for George to fall over it.... ----*(A) --------------------------------------------------------------------- (It kind of died here...) so *** THE END ***