The Dating Game:

I wrote this piece originally as an "amusing article". So many people seem to have taken this thing overly seriously, that I figured I should point this out for those people who miss things like that.

Rochelle, a friend of mine, was working on some "Dating rules" for herself - That people would have to adhere or conform to in order to even have a mild chance of getting her into bed. I was wondering if I had any "rules" as such, so as a random experiment I decided to jot some down.

Since I tend to change my mind with the wind, not many of these are probably "rules" as such, so I guess I should rename then as preferences; I just wondered what I looked for generally in people... And in the end, what I look for generally is exceptions to my rule base.

1. I far prefer people to be human and although I wouldn't object too much if they were like the alien women in the first series of Star Trek. I don't want to be having anything to do with the ones on the later spin-offs. Although people with deformed foreheads and electronic implants may be considered sex-symbols in the United States; if I saw them walking down the street here I would point at them and make rude comments (though not so they could hear, they would probably hurt me or give me diseases).

2. They must understand why "Seven of nine", Major Kira on Deep Space 9 and the Klingon woman on the other Star Trek are not cute at all, and are in fact just weird looking elephant-man lookalikes with tits and tight clothing.

3. In their youth, anyone who wants to be considered should have identified with George in the Famous Five books; they should of course have read all of the Famous Five books. Although this list of preferences is mainly aimed at women, any males should also have identified with George (or Timmy) since I wouldn't want even Julian or Dick as friends, let alone to have to go out with them. If you are not English then I guess you have a good excuse for failing this rule, however there should be some identification with Pippi Longstocking, Little My, Peppermint Patty or some other mad radical dyke kids' book character.

4. They MUST have a firm understanding and working knowledge of Irony and Sarcasm. This makes most Americans immediately ineligible.

5. NO LAWYERS. Not even dead ones. No matter how much a solicitor or barrister may claim to be human we all know that this is shit. They take pleasure in pissing about with people's lives and I can't think of many deaths slow enough for them really so just dump the lot of them in a huge vat of acid and I'll be happy.

6. They must not own any collection of videos or DVDs of American Sitcom series. This includes Friends, Frasier, Friends, Sex in the City, Friends, Ally MacBeale, Friends, Will and Grace, Friends and Friends. Possible exceptions to this are ones that people may own for historic reasons (for example, old episodes of Taxi) and ones bought from a Car Boot sale for 50p to record episodes of Neighbours over later.

7. Whilst we are on this subject; a few more extra features and a director's commentary's are not good reasons for buying a DVD or even worse, another copy of a DVD you already have. Director's commentarys have very rarely been interesting and probably never will be. Maybe there is the exception where a commentary of a Friends episode by the director Serge Vlazinvotov states once and for all that he can't believe the Capitalist Pig Dogs of the West watch this shit they are being fed by Moscow's Glorious Minister of Propaganda; but that isn't going to ever happen so there is no point watching them. See?

8. Proper punctuation is good, capital letters are good when they are used correctly and bad when used otherwise and abbreviation is just so very, very bad. Talking physically in "text message speak" classes as so far out that it should be punishable by death.

9. They must not object to me sitting outside coffee houses in Covent Garden or Bairro Alto, and making quiet comments about people walking past. They mustn't get too upset when I start taking covert digital pictures of them either, so that I can zoom in on a particually bad pair of shoes or something to see them in their full garish glory.

10. They must know where Covent Garden and Bairro Alto are, and be able to order me a coffee as I like it in both places. I guess if there are good reasons for you not knowing where these places are then you should be able to drag me to a nice place to get coffee and tea elsewhere.

11. They must be able to take a pretty fair stab at knowing who would win in a fight between Apollo and Athene, and Aphrodite and Achilles and be able to justify their answers.

12. I like people with strong beliefs and whilst they don't have to match mine and I am not overly bothered by differing politics; they do have to be able to defend their beliefs well enough to come across as something more than just a random follower of whatever belief their favourite pop star told them to have this week.

13. They must not object to the fact that I tend to be influenced by whatever random things that TV adverts tell me to believe in this week.

14. They should probably be artistic or have a tendency towards history, literature or classics. Scientists do my head in and I tend to believe that all Lawyers should be put to death, slowly.

15. Fierce unfounded nationalism is not something I find in the slightest attractive. This tends to rule out me getting on with people from those nations with an axe to grind against the world and tin-pot dictatorships. I tend to avoid the Irish on the basis they spent a large amount of time trying to blow me up, but for some reason I seem to get on with redheaded Finns.

16. If they don't understand why I spent all my living money for months on a first edition of "The Little Prince" then it is unlikely that they will be able to bear my terrible attitude to money for long.

17. Don't get me pregnant!

18. No Livejournals... This one is worth repeating, ok... NO FUCKING LIVEJOURNALS! - Oversharing is tedious, Livejournal is the intellectual equivalent of the people on busses who obviously flash children in the park in their spare time and talk to invisible people in an annoying way. It is not big, it is not clever, and it is not in any way interesting. There is a possible get-out for certain types of pure journal type doobrys for family, friends and travelogs, but those exceptions are slim.

19. People who know what they want to do when they grow up are probably not very compatible with me. I can't see me ever knowing what I want to do and I can't really understand people who have a firm idea of how their life will plan out and what they intend to do. People who have grown up should probably avoid me as well.

20. Small tits are better than big tits... Big tits are not hugely bad but they aren't compatible with Land Rovers and you may end up getting sold. People must not object to being sold though they can of course just refuse to complete the deal, as long as I get my money first.

21. No fundamental Wiccans, Obsessive Linux Users, Born Again Christians or anything like that! In fact, no followers of any religion or belief that involves deep hierarchy, secrecy and involves the members being in some way much better than everyone else. Once again, this counts out most Americans.

22. Whilst on the subject of Linux, it is not interesting, clever, cool nor trendy to be obsessed with it, it is just another operating system and being obsessed with it is about as interesting as being obsessed with the noise that ATM machines make when they want you to remove your card. I have had to spend a couple of days sharing a bed with that hairy, smelly bloke who wrote half of Linux and it's not all it's cracked up to be, I promise you.

23. Computer game players will have to accept my basic theory that I can win any irritating computer game with a pistol and few bullets; it works well and you don't even need to be the person playing it.

24. No former, current or future Big Brother contestants... Especially if they are Welsh.

25. People who quote Monty Python word for word are not funny. The Monty Python team were reasonably funny when they did it all those years ago but why not just let it die gracefully? Once more, this rule makes most Americans ineligible.

26. You should have no interest in stabbing or otherwise severely injuring me, or yourself.

27. "Renfaires" are out. Since this mostly applies to Americans then it is unlikely you have reached so far anyway but even so, America didn't have a Renaissance and if it had, the fairs (note the spelling) would have been dirty smelly places where you would probably have contracted smallpox or bubonic plague.

28. On the basis that I tend to go for free spirited people with minds of their own, I don't think I would much like anybody who would comply completely with all of these preferences; in fact, I would probably dislike them on principle.